here I am I've come so far
by VioTanequil
Summary: She floats, somewhere. Water flows through her fingers and plays in her hair and Elsa knows somewhere deep inside that this should frighten her but it does not. The gentle lapping at her earlobes, the tickle on her bare feet, the sensation of the air brushing lightly over her face, Elsa thinks she might be crying. Post Frozen II, Canon-compliant-ish. X-posted to A03


_here I am / I've come so far_  
Elsa

* * *

The wind in her face, the water beneath her feet, no land as far as the eye can see and Elsa feels as grounded as she has ever been. A calm pumps through her veins, a joy sings in her head, the sheer rightness of the moment grips her heart and she knows, as inane as it sounds, that this must be why she was born.

She does not know how long she stays there, only that the chill nips gently, friendly at her nose, tweaks the tips of her ears, wants to come out and play.

She laughs, feels the ice just flow through her - the ice has always come from somewhere else and she merely shapes it, gives it form, function, purpose.

Nokk whinnies, unimpressed at the small boat she's just made.

"Oh you know I don't mean it that way," she smiles, gently nudges the craft with a finger, watches it bob in the water and begin to slowly drift away.

In the distance, the first rays of sunlight peek above the still water.

Elsa closes her eyes to the warmth, sinks into the feeling of just simply being and when she opens them again, realizes that it is dark and she is hungry.

Nokk nuzzles her cheek, Gale plays with the loose strands of her hair.

"It's time to head back."

* * *

She doesn't know why she does it, but Elsa slips sneakily, quietly into the tent that has been her home for a few months now, doesn't light a fire, doesn't want to wake anyone.

The small gnawing hunger seems to have dissipated and instead she just wants to sleep so she does, curling herself into a little ball under the giant piles of blankets that occupy her bed. She's never needed their warmth but their weight holds her.

Elsa does not usually dream, but tonight she flies between the trees and tears paths of flame through the leaves.

* * *

She wakes to the sound of someone entering her tent then a flint being struck. She yawns.

The other person in her tent shrieks and at once Elsa is sitting up, throwing the blankets aside, eyes widened and ready to engage with whatever threat it is that is... lighting her fire?

"Elsa," Honeymaren frowns, a hand crossed protectively across her heart, "when did you get back?"

Elsa lowers her hands, blinks rapidly.

"Last night?" Honeymaren turns back to the fire, puts the kettle on.

"Last night," Elsa hears herself say and somehow her voice sounds strange to her own ears.

"Mm," Honeymaren hums, "well, I just got some tea started and I'll get you some of Yelana's fruit for breakfast. We're moving to the lichen plains today so you'll have to start packing soon if you want to come with."

Elsa nods.

"I'll see you later."

"Later."

* * *

The Northuldra once tried to get Elsa to ride on a reindeer. Let's just say that Nokk was not very impressed at all and leave it at that. Elsa tries not to remember that day. She tries very hard not to remember that day though she doesn't think Ryder's hurt face will leave her memory any time soon.

Still, she feels a little out of place cantering along on her steed of water as the Northuldra gently sing their way through the forest. Gale whispers shapes and sights into her ear, Bruni licks her fingers, Nokk is exercising intense restraint to not bite a curious reindeer's head off and Elsa listens to the low hum of the wandering people whose blood she shares.

"Child," Elsa turns to face the voice.

"Elder," Elsa says.

"Child," Yelana steers her mount closer, "I know we said we were going to the lichen plains, but you don't have to follow us, you know?"

"I… don't?"

Yelana smiles, "you are child of our blood, protector of the Forest, fifth of the spirits, my darling, you can go wherever you please and no one would hold it against you."

"Oh," says Elsa.

"You are free," Yelana says, a twinkle in her knowing eye, "run with the wind, child, do what you came here to do."

A thrill runs up her spine and down into her fingertips and Nokk runs.

* * *

The last two times Elsa left the castle to journey to a distant land on a quest, both her and Anna had almost died.

She cannot help but be a little apprehensive about this, but it is clear that as a spirit, it makes no sense for her to continue being Queen of a human kingdom. It is Anna's and for all that she is the elder sister, the people need someone like them to lead them and there is honestly no one better suited to that than Anna, bright, warm, loving, human Anna.

It does not make leaving easier. To go from 13 years of isolation to 3 years of openness and reconciliation and getting used to the role of Queen that she had spent her whole life working towards, the one constant, the single purpose that she at least knew with some certainty that she had been meant to do, to have that shattered with this revelation, whatever this is.

Whatever she is.

Protector of the Forest. Fifth of the Spirits.

Not-human.

The tiniest niggling voice in the back of her head whispers that when she had set out looking for answers that she is pretty sure that learning she is not entirely human is not an answer she had ever sought.

Not that it does not make sense, because of course it would make sense.

In a strange almost twisted way, this makes sense. She's never been human so now everything that has happened makes sense.

And it makes sense for the throne to pass to someone worthy. She still has her powers. She has the joy of creation. She is still a spirit. That is a lot more than she deserves.

A hand on her shoulder and Elsa whirls around.

"Hey," Anna smiles, looks her over, "wow, that cloak is pretty cool."

Anna wiggles her eyebrows.

Elsa sighs, "Cool."

Anna grins, "yes, cool. And I know you made it, which also makes it cool."

Elsa's face twists into whatever shape it is between a laugh and a groan and Anna's warm fingers poke at her cheeks though her voice softens as they turn the corner of the corridor, "Brings back memories, doesn't it."

"For you," Elsa says as they look at her childhood door, "I didn't see this door nearly as much as you did."

Anna scuffs at the floor with a shoe.

"You'll be a great Queen," Elsa says, "I know you will."

Anna's hands move to her shoulders as she gathers Elsa in a warm hug, "You'll be back, right?"

Elsa just holds her.

* * *

She floats, somewhere. Water flows through her fingers and plays in her hair and Elsa knows somewhere deep inside that this should frighten her but it does not. The gentle lapping at her earlobes, the tickle on her bare feet, the sensation of the air brushing lightly over her face, Elsa thinks she might be crying.

But she does not know if she is, somehow cannot find it in herself to move her hands.

She does not open her eyes.

* * *

Something slaps at her cheek and Elsa stirs.

She does not remember falling asleep, does not remember well, anything. She feels like it should frighten her but it feels like nothing would frighten her right now. Not fearless, not brave, just, empty.

She rolls, feels something soft and a little prickly beneath her cheek, cracks an eye open.

Green.

Grass, her brain gently prompts her, this smell is grass.

Grass, thinks Elsa, grass…

She slips back into the blackness.

* * *

The slapping is rather more insistent this time. Or it would be, if Elsa remembered the last slap though she does not.

She feels a tug at her fingers, wants to turn to look but finds her head almost impossibly heavy. Strange, she thinks.

The tug returns, now on her thumb and she recognizes the gentle threading of air between her fingers to be Gale. A warmth licks her cheek - it wants something, she knows they want something, but they have never been able to speak to her and she does not know what they want.

She never knows what anyone wants.

She doesn't even know what she wants.

Her eyes slip shut and this time, not even Nokk's hooves wake her.

* * *

She wakes to Yelana frowning over her. Elsa tries to sit up to greet the elder but finds herself pushed back into blankets with a firm hand.

She licks her dry lips to speak but the words do not come out.

"Hush, child," Yelana says, "you've given us all a real fright but you're good now and all you need is rest."

I'm a spirit, Elsa thinks, I don't think spirits need rest.

Yelana's eyes narrow.

If Elsa had her doubts about whether Yelana could read minds, she has no doubts now when Yelana sits down on her bed.

"Elsa," Yelana says, "my child, you need to take better care of yourself."

I can't die, Elsa thinks.

"You're you, dear, but you're also still human," Yelana lays a soft hand on her head and Elsa finds herself turning into the touch without even thinking about it. Do spirits do this?

"But I'm a spirit," she finds her voice, "aren't I?"

"Oh darling," Yelana's eyes are warm, gentle, sad, "oh my poor sweet darling, no one's told you anything, have they?"

Elsa feels something crack though she does not know what it is. She slowly shakes her head.

Yelana gathers her into a hug as Elsa sobs herself into an exhausted slumber.

* * *

The next time Elsa wakes, she is in the castle.

She stirs, feels a smooth silk beneath her fingers.

"You're awake. I will inform Her Majesty."

Elsa falls back asleep.

* * *

"You said-"

"I swear, on my honor that I saw her stir with my very own eyes."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry I snapped at you, I'm just-" This voice is familiar to her.

"Your Majesty, there is no need to apologize to me, I understand."

"Oh Gerda," the same voice says, cracks, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

Anna, Elsa thinks, that voice belongs to Anna, Anna, Anna is hurt.

She sits up with a start, or tries, and only manages to topple forward onto the bed. Ow, thinks Elsa, that's not what she thought would happen.

Hands are on her shoulders in an instant, "Elsa?"

Elsa looks, for the first time in a while, she looks, and she sees Anna, eyes puffy, glistening, nose red, sees the fireplace and the light from the corridor stretching into the dimmer darkness of the room.

"Anna," she says, and that voice cannot possibly be hers but it has to be, because no one else would say that, would they?

"Elsa," Anna says, "are you with me?"

Elsa frowns. She is here.

"Can you hear me?"

She nods. What a strange question. Worry and fear dance in Anna's eyes and then it hits her. Something happened. Something happened.

Something must have happened and Elsa has no idea what happened but before the fear can sink its teeth into her heart, Anna's arms are around her and her sister is leaning into her shoulder, cradling her head with a hand and threading fingers through her hair.

"You're here," Anna chokes, "I'm not going to let you leave again."

"I-" Elsa starts, wants to say what her heart believes, but she cannot, "This isn't for me. I can't stay."

Anna pushes away, a breathy whisper escapes, "What? You- This is always going to be your home."

"This is yours now."

"You're my sister," Anna says.

"I'm a spirit," Elsa says.

Anna frowns, "Wait, what?"

"I'm a spirit."

"No, you're the bridge between the Four Spirits and the rest of us," Anna says, "but you're-"

Her eyes widen, something seems to click inside her.

Elsa nods, reads the understanding for what she thinks she sees, the dread claws at her heart but hiding the truth only makes things worse - this at least, she knows has learnt, "Yes, I'm not- not- not- human."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Saying no isn't going to make it untrue, Anna."

"No," Anna says, reaches her hands out to Elsa's shoulders, "no, you're human. Like me. You're not a spirit. You're Elsa, firstborn of Agnarr and Iduna, my sister. My crazy, dumbass sister with ice powers who is best friends with four spirits who somehow did not tell her that she needs to eat to live."

"I-"

"You, young lady, are going to keep your mouth shut and let me repeat everything Yelana told me."

Elsa keeps her mouth shut and lets Anna repeat everything Yelana told her.

* * *

"Oh," says Elsa faintly, "I- I didn't know."

"Yes," Anna says patiently, "clearly you didn't know that you needed to eat and shouldn't first go out for three days without eating then come back and then gallivant off again into the middle of the ocean with your water horse friend for five days also without eating or drinking any water and expect to be perfectly peachy afterwards. If Gale hadn't come to me, if they hadn't found you-"

"I mean, I-"

"Elsa," Anna says, voice soft and gentle, "I know I've said this to you but I'll say it again. I wish you would see yourself the way I see you."

She takes one of Elsa's hands in hers, lifts it, presses it to her shoulder and Elsa flinches at the warmth, wants to tug her hand away but Anna will not let go.

"I know," Anna says, "I know you've-" her eyes glisten, "I know because I read your journals while we waited for you to wake up, so I know that you have all these questions and that you have all these doubts and I didn't know then because all I wanted was to give you your own space because you looked so free and I thought you'd accepted yourself and your powers the way I always have and that being in the Forest was what would make you happiest."

Elsa opens her mouth but no words come out so she licks her lips instead. She can feel the warmth of Anna's heartbeat beneath her fingers and it frightens her.

"Elsa," Anna says, "you're not a spirit, not a monster."

Elsa's fingers tremble.

"You're not a freak."

Her jaw clenches.

"You're not cursed."

She shakes.

"You are a gift."

Her hand curls into the material of Anna's shoulder.

"Elsa," Anna says, "your power is beautiful and I wish, I wish, I wish from the bottom of my heart that you would see yourself the way I see you, would treasure yourself the way I treasure you."

Elsa cracks.

"Your place," Anna says, "is wherever you want it to be and I wanted to set you free because god knows you've been imprisoned in this castle for long enough, but I'll never be afraid of having you around and I would never want you to leave if that is not what you want for yourself. Which, honestly, I don't know why you would want to do. It's not like you can't venture out of the castle whenever you want and someone else does your laundry and feeds you and-"

Elsa almost chokes on a hysterical giggle.

Anna tugs her closer, "Most importantly, Elsa, you are loved."

Elsa cries.

* * *

Elsa visits the Northuldra, brings with her a long letter from Anna that she is sure is half thankful words for finding her and half instructions on how to make sure she doesn't fall into a puddle and die before charades in two days. Or something.

"Oh hey," Honeymaren waves at her, "it's the village idiot."

"I-"

"In here, with me," Yelana says before Elsa can die from embarrassment.

It turns out that Yelana also thinks that Elsa is an idiot of the greatest proportions. It is clear in the Elder's warm, kind, but also judging gaze and how she resisting the urge to facepalm - would Yelana ever facepalm? Elsa doesn't know.

"Sit," Yelana says, presses a mug of tea into her hands, "and let me tell you something your mother should have told you long ago. Let me tell you of the sorcerers of the Northuldra."

"The… sorcerers of the Northuldra? There were sorcerers? Like me?"

Yelana facepalms.

"Darling, given your recent escapade there really is no one quite like you."

* * *

A/N: or the one in which Elsa finds out that she is a spirit and takes it the wrong way in the quickest way possible.

My take on why Elsa moved. I read Forest of Shadows which is supposed to be the bridge between the first and second movies and Elsa's decision to move to stay with the Northuldra after being told that she's the Fifth Spirit 'because that's where she belongs' didn't rest all that well with me - I found that curious to begin with while watching 2, and the more I explore, the less it makes sense to me. She literally just got over her fear of being a bad Queen and then she's like peace, Anna you're the Queen. *shifty eyes* Also not convinced that Elsa truly 'belongs' with the Northuldra any more than she belongs in Arendelle...


End file.
